April 17, 2007

The etymology of "belf".

In exchange for picking the topic of his blog post yesterday, I've allowed that grumpiest of paladins to select mine today in what looks to be a rather interesting series of reader suggested entries.

So, let us speak today on "belfs."

First off, the term "belf" is lazy in addition to racist and offensive. The term dates back to an underground newsrag called "Purity of the Mountain" which circulated around Ironforge for a time back when Gnomeregan refugees were piling in. (I'm using the term "underground" here to mean "independantly published", not literally underground. Every newsrag in Ironforge is, by definition, underground.) Anyway, the periodical in question was funded by some anti-everyone nutjobs who believed Ironforge should remain closed off to all races except dwarves. Now I can't imagine anyone wanting to go to Ironforge to begin with, but that's neither here nor there; point is, the thing ran with the tagline: "Being a weekly Newsletter with the Aim of driving all Pasties, Shorties and Nelfs from Ironforge."

The thing ran a few issues until it was revealed the whole thing was run by a gnomish entrepreneur
who merely saw a way to cash in on dwarven ignorance. In any case, the slanderous rag faded away but one part of it remained: a crudely drawn and completely racist cartoon called "Nelfs and Belfs" which pictured night elves and blood elves in an obscene and demeaning manner, frequently involving animals and bodily emissions. "Nelfs and Belfs" found an audience because, politically correct mumbo-jumbo aside, dwarves really like making fun of elves. It eventually made its way to Stormwind and is now distributed as a monthly comic book all over Azeroth. I believe it's even translated into Orcish nowadays and passed around Orgrimmar, proving that racial insensitivity knows no allegiance.

That said, blood elves are just night elves who don't cower in fear of magic. Which makes them marginally cooler tha night elves, I suppose, but if you're going to rock out with some magic you might as well just be a gnome and get it over with. Blood elves are pink instead of purple, so it's not even really a question of how feminine you want to be. Also, they eat their own young.

That's just something I heard somewhere.

April 16, 2007

Reader suggestions... your chance at immortality!

In an almost unfathomable display of generosity, and to comply with certain court orders, I've decided to tackle the most pressing issues in Azeroth as suggested by you, my loyal readers. For an unspecified amount of time, I will humbly subject my ineffable wit and wisdom to any topic you wish. Simply leave a comment expressing your desires, and they shall come to pass.

Unless, of course, you leave something retarded like "talk about how sexy night elves are," in which case you will become the subject of as much scorn and ridicule I can muster.

April 12, 2007

Should you grind Sporeggar rep?

I don't know or much care about rep, but I'm here to tell you that after a spring feast at Uncle Sideburns's place I am a firm believer in grinding up the Sporregar themselves. Observe:

Vegetarian Sporeling Lasagne

1 lb low-fat cottage cheese
1/2 lb part-skim ricotta
2 raptor egg whites
2 tbsp grated Garadar sharp
1 tbsp minced fresh chives
1 tbsp minced fresh parsley
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
8 oz lasagne noodles, uncooked
1 cup minced onion
1/4 cup Brightsong wine
1 1/2 lbs ground sporelings
1 cup chopped zucchini
4 cups red sauce

Set a large pot of salted water to boil, and preheat oven to 375
°. PureĆ© cottage cheese, ricotta, egg whites and Garadar sharp. Blend chives, parsley and pepper into the cheese mixture. Add the pasta to the water and boil on high for about ten minutes. The noodles should be tender but not mushy. Using a slotted spoon, dip the cooked noodles into cold water and lay them out flat on clean linen cloth. Simmer onions in Brightsong wine in a covered skillet for about five minutes. Stir frequently. Onions should be very soft. Add ground sporelings and zucchini, cook about five additional minutes (until soft). Drain the sporeling mixture, and set 1/4 cup aside for later. Combine cheese mixture and sporeling mixture. Spread 2 cups marinara into the bottom of a 9x14 baking pan. Add alternating layers of pasta and cheese until pasta is gone. Cover with remaining sauce and spread reserved spporeling mixture over top. Cover and bake for 1 hour. Let cool for ten minutes before cutting. Serves 9 humans, 14 gnomes, or 1 gluttonous dwarf.

There you have it: a purely vegetarian dish where you still get all the fun of murdering something. Genocide never tasted so good.