March 31, 2007

Eleven easy ideas on how to be as lovable as I am.

The most frequent question I get asked is, "Crys, would you please take the lid off this cauldron? It's getting pretty hard to breathe in here." But a close second would be "Crys, how can I be as lovable as you are?"

So here are a few easy things you can do to make yourself lovable. I hope you find them immensely helpful.

#1) Be a gnome. If you're already a gnome, good work! You're well on your way to being pretty dang lovable as-is. If you're not a gnome, you might be out of luck. Humans might be able to hack their legs off at the knees and pass themselves off as gnomes with freakishly long arms and bad posture, but everyone else is up a creek. The reasoning here is that small = cute, and cute = lovable. Pretty standard logic.

#2) Get a lovable pet. Warlocks have this one nailed, obviously, because who can't love a scantily-clad demoness or a miniature stegosaurus? Hunters are in decent shape too, I guess, for those who find warp stalkers or giant spiders lovable. Of course, hunters are up the aforementioned creek on the subject of lovableness, since if you're a hunter, you're not a gnome. Catch 22. If you're some other class your only option is to murder some Defias pirates until you find a parrot, then train it to say something cute, such as: "Did I do that?" or "Squawk! I'm all about the bling-bling."

#3) Learn magic. Warlocks? You guys are aces -- magic is your thing and good on ya for it. Mages are in the clear too. Everyone else? Crack a spellbook. You want to know magic because it's mysterious, colorful and flashy. With a good repertoire of magic under your belt, you can effortlessly enthrall the dimwitted and easily-amused. And, if all else fails, you can just light people on fire. Remember: every person you burn to a crisp evens out the ratio of people who find you lovable to the people who don't a little bit more, thus making you more lovable by definition.

#4) Be a girl. Guys are hairy and bulky and generally not very lovable in their natural state. Girls, however, are curvy and pouty and smell nice. Also, our voices are higher pitched, and most people find that pretty lovable. If you're a guy elf, you're actually not in bad shape -- just shave the nappy beard and add a little wiggle to your walk, and nobody else will know the difference. The rest of you cats have a rough decision to make. I know this blood elf in Shattrath who will do a back-alley operation for thirty gold, but that solution is less than ideal, since no matter how lovable you are in that state your days of actually loving are probably over.

#5) Perfect your "tee-hee." Anyone can do this in a matter of hours. Go nuts, giggle yourself stupid in the mirror until it's perfected. Once you've got it down, be sure you only bust it out when really necessary though. A quick, well-placed giggle will knock 'em over every time, but use it too often and people will just think you're empty-headed and annoying. And they'll be right.

#6) Puppy dog eyes. I know, I know. Cheap shot. But it works!

#7) Contract a disease. This will work for anyone, even those who can't fulfill any of the above. Get a bad disease and play on people's sympathies. Now, you have to be careful with this one. If the illness isn't severe enough (say, a sinus infection) people are going to think you're just an attention whore. And again, they'll be right. But if it's too severe (say, leprosy) people won't come within a furlong of your diseased carcass, and with good reason. Also, try not to get anything icky, because icky things aren't lovable. This one works pretty well if you decide to fake it, but make absolutely sure you're capable of pulling off such an elaborate lie. There's a special place in the Twisting Nether for folks who pull a stunt that low, and there's nothing lovable about it.

#8) Paint your nose red and get some big floppy shoes. I don't know how true this is, but they say everyone loves a clown. So if nothing else is working for you, you might as well give it a shot. Nothing to lose but your dignity, and let's be honest, you didn't have much to begin with, right?

#9) Quit complaining. Anyone who uses the word "nerf", in any context, ever, for any reason is automatically unlovable. Nobody wants to listen to you bellyache, so get over it.

#10) Alcoholism. As long as you aren't the kind of joker who yells and punches people and breaks stuff while under the influence, go ahead and get plastered. Everyone loves a big, silly drunkard. If you're a dwarf, this is pretty much the only option you have anyway, so go for it.

#11) Pay people. Everyone loves free stuff and, by extension, the giver of free stuff. If it's absolutely crucial that someone in particular loves you very much in a very short period of time, you could do way way worse than to drop some gold in their lap. Keep in mind, though, that this is a short-term solution at best, and obviously you can't pay everyone in the world. Only the most absolutely unlovable people around should have to resort to this nonsense.

I think that gives you guys a good start. I can't give away all my secrets, of course, since I wouldn't be nearly as lovable as I am without them. Hopefully, we can go ahead and make Azeroth a place filled with lovable people between the Veiled and Forbidding Seas.

Er, except trolls. Nobody, anywhere, loves trolls. Sorry guys.

March 13, 2007

Crystalis's book club: A steamy romance novel.

Among the contents of my mailbox the other day (you know, various bribes, extortions, body parts of elected officials... the usual) was a book, sent to me by some rogue I know. God only knows what kind of sleazy creature she swiped it from, but if this is any indication of typical Horde reading material I should think we're doing them a favor by exterminating them. I skipped the first few chapters because the pages were stuck together, and started in on this:

First off, "Nahni" is a pretty embarrassing name. My condolences to the twenty-three unfortunate souls who share it (39% of which are elves, naturally). Secondly, the reward for killing murlocs is often as not a recipe for Murloc Gullet Stew or some similar backwater delicacy. Pass.

Not for nothing, but anytime I see some bimbo down on the beach playfully twirling her hair, I side with the murlocs. In case you're wondering, Marcus's broadsword is glowing hot pink because it's been graced with Enchant Weapon: Improved Coitus. That's right, baby: ridged for her pleasure.

Wait, fear and anger is how this clown responds to a hot mage chick who's not only slaughtered a bunch of murlocs for his benefit, but is practically lurching down his throat? As a public service, I've gone ahead and re-written the second half of this page, replacing Nahni with my humble self: "He gingerly lifted her diminutive form onto a nearby bookshelf so as to gaze into her tantalizing emerald eyes. Their lips met hotly, her Fel Armor spell melting the deepest recesses of his soul as his eyes snapped agape in a mixture of torturous horror and pure ecstasy."

Of course there is, honey. It's called "Forty-eight Seconds of Abject Disappointment". Be sure to bring a healer; he's going to need it. (Fun fact: if you ever see a gnome's eyes glittering with excitement, run. The town is either about to explode or be filled with demons. Or, if you're really lucky, both.)

Oddly enough, this isn't a description of how the book continues; this is actually what's printed in the text, and is followed by hundreds of blank pages. In the last chapter, Nahni dumps Marcus for a hunter with +960 attack and a 16% crit chance, leaving him begging for change on the auction house bridge in Ironforge.

I love a happy ending, so I give this one four failed marriages out of a possible five.

March 12, 2007

107 people who need to die.

So they're doing this new Armory thing, where you can look up anyone in Azeroth and see what spells they know or what clothes they wear. I'm sure this will usher in a bold new age of arrogant mockery and creepy pseudo-voyeurism, but really I have other concerns.

Namely, this.

They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but nuts to that. A whole army of unoriginal boobs has stolen my name and I'm none the happier about it. And no, you folks who tried to game the system by going with "Crystalism" or "Crystalisis" don't get a free pass. You look just as foolish as the wanna-bes, and maybe even a bit more foolish because you can't spell right.

The fact that I share my name with over forty elves both saddens and infuriates me, and just for the record, I don't think there's anything fundamentally different between night elves and blood elves. One is purple and the other is orange. All we need now are pink and green elves and we're well on our way to a pack of Skittles, and no mistake, nobody wants to taste that rainbow.

Posers, the lot of you. Ought to be ashamed.

On a more positive note, have any of you cats tried this thing where this dwarf guy pays you to take a sack of bombs, hop on a gryphon, and explode the hell out of a bunch orcs? I'm as excited about this as I am apprehensive. Excited because, let's face it, exploding orcs is pretty much at the top of my list of awesome ways to spend my vacation... but apprehensive because they're apparently just letting anyone in the Alliance take flight with a bag of explosives. It won't be long until some halfwit human gets all turned around and dumps his payload right in the heart of Honor Hold.

Oh, and before I forget: you draenei guys are silly looking and everyone makes fun of you behind your backs. Everyone. That includes the night elves.