March 13, 2007

Crystalis's book club: A steamy romance novel.

Among the contents of my mailbox the other day (you know, various bribes, extortions, body parts of elected officials... the usual) was a book, sent to me by some rogue I know. God only knows what kind of sleazy creature she swiped it from, but if this is any indication of typical Horde reading material I should think we're doing them a favor by exterminating them. I skipped the first few chapters because the pages were stuck together, and started in on this:

First off, "Nahni" is a pretty embarrassing name. My condolences to the twenty-three unfortunate souls who share it (39% of which are elves, naturally). Secondly, the reward for killing murlocs is often as not a recipe for Murloc Gullet Stew or some similar backwater delicacy. Pass.

Not for nothing, but anytime I see some bimbo down on the beach playfully twirling her hair, I side with the murlocs. In case you're wondering, Marcus's broadsword is glowing hot pink because it's been graced with Enchant Weapon: Improved Coitus. That's right, baby: ridged for her pleasure.

Wait, fear and anger is how this clown responds to a hot mage chick who's not only slaughtered a bunch of murlocs for his benefit, but is practically lurching down his throat? As a public service, I've gone ahead and re-written the second half of this page, replacing Nahni with my humble self: "He gingerly lifted her diminutive form onto a nearby bookshelf so as to gaze into her tantalizing emerald eyes. Their lips met hotly, her Fel Armor spell melting the deepest recesses of his soul as his eyes snapped agape in a mixture of torturous horror and pure ecstasy."

Of course there is, honey. It's called "Forty-eight Seconds of Abject Disappointment". Be sure to bring a healer; he's going to need it. (Fun fact: if you ever see a gnome's eyes glittering with excitement, run. The town is either about to explode or be filled with demons. Or, if you're really lucky, both.)

Oddly enough, this isn't a description of how the book continues; this is actually what's printed in the text, and is followed by hundreds of blank pages. In the last chapter, Nahni dumps Marcus for a hunter with +960 attack and a 16% crit chance, leaving him begging for change on the auction house bridge in Ironforge.

I love a happy ending, so I give this one four failed marriages out of a possible five.


Damh said...

She left him for a hunter... {sniff}...

That's just beautiful, what a happy story.

Hexapuma said...


Sylvina Solaris said...

Man... I really need to get me one of these.

cheap rs accounts said...

Haha, it is really a good story!