January 24, 2007

Don't forget to /spit.

I'm doling out a fair amount of genocide on some terrorfiends the other day (which, by the way, are about as terrifying as your average litter box) when I come across some nobody tauren. He's mindlessly slaving away, no doubt for some nondescript quest or another, so I do what any self-respecting Alliance member would do: I moo at him, and move on.

A few minutes later I'm riding back and he's still at it, clubbing a terrorfiend silly and healing himself every so often. I decide that I'm just bored enough to indulge myself in a quick mortal diversion. I decide to make this tauren's life hell.

Now, any joker can just murder the poor oaf. I possess a bit more flair than that. Rather than just shadow bolt him into oblivion or let Cattnys whip him to a pulp, I banish the terrorfiend he's fighting. The ugly, hairy tauren looks around confusedly, so I wave at him. He doesn't know what to do, so he goes and picks a fight with another terrorfiend.

I sit down and start making myself some lunch, enjoying the spectacle at hand. No sooner does the tauren get the upper hand in his battle with the second terrorfiend does the first one break out of its banished state, mad as hell. Immediately it jumps right on the tauren's back and proceeds to pummel him.

(A quick aside: I had always figured that banished demons were sent momentarily to the Outlands. Does that mean when I banish one from the Outlands, it shows up in Azeroth? That's pretty awesome.)

Of course no mere tauren could hold off the onslaught of two demons, not even pissant demons like terrorfiends, so he is soon a squishy corpse suitable for nothing but to be spat upon.

A while later I have cause to revisit that same area on an unrelated task, and there's our tauren hero again, mindlessly pecking away at another terrorfiend. Taking a moment to contemplate our world in which, for whatever reason, death is not final, I pull the same stunt again. Banish, confusion, death, /moo, /spit. It's all rather passé at this point.

In any case, I didn't see him out there again picking on any terrorfiends.

I don't really have an excuse for my behaviour other than I was in kind of an immature mood. Anyway, my point is, if you're going to go out there and just murder some Horde, be creative. Have fun with it.

And never forget to /spit.

January 11, 2007

Just tell me where to pick up the checks.

I spend the majority of my time in Kalimdor, so it wasn't until I flew out to the Dark Portal last night that I saw this picture of me that has been floating around in some EK tabloid.

I'm really not at all upset that my image is being plastere
d across the EK without my permission. It's a little flattering, really... I just wish they'd have caught me in better light. I can't for the life of me figure out where or when that picture must have been taken.

More importantly, it seems like the Alliance would have to cough up some royalties, don'tcha think? Since I'm already swimming in gold, I think I'll ask for my payment in honor marks. That would save me the trouble of having to line up in the battlegrounds with a bunch of clowns who think "take three then hold" is an acceptable battle tactic anywhere this side of reality.

January 6, 2007

Politely shove your "discount coupon key" where the sun don't shine.

I woke up this morning, took a quick shower, popped over to Jaeana's for a bite to eat, then rode the robo-rooster down to the mailbox in front of the bear-bank to reap the profits of last night's wheelings-and-dealings. Made a tidy sum, as always, and also got a most curious business proposition. Behold:

As you can see, I had Jubjub take some scissors to the offending party's internet address, so as not to help them at all by sending any of you fraudulent cretins over to give them business. I'm sure one or two of my readers are at least as noble as I am, and wouldn't think of stooping to such levels, but it's the rest of you cats I'm worried about.

Anyway, you'll notice a few things about this letter straight away:
  1. "Kxzrywn" is possibly the stupidest name anyone has ever had in the history of Azeroth. And this is coming from someone who has met clowns named "Ikillpuppies", "Urmom" and "Xxdruidxx".
  2. There are chumps out there who are earning their experience and honor (inasmuch as those things truly quantify anything important) by paying someone else to get it for them.
Truly, the audacity of some people.

Earning your place in Azeroth is a process which tests your mettle and pushes you to your limits. Some people, like me, surpass those challenges and go above and beyond the realm of mortal accomplishment, and achieve wondrous things most lowly peons could only dream of. Some, like this Kxzrywn jackass, can't hack it in the real world and end up as bottomfeeders, violently clamboring for the crumbs that drift down from above.

I guess my main point is, if you choose to be the type of scum who feels the need to boost your own abilities by paying someone else to go through your tribulations for you... well, that's really no skin off my nose. As a rule I don't have to put up with those types of simpletons unless I have the misfortune of being alongside them in Alterac Valley. But when it lands in my mailbox, it becomes a personal issue. Someone out there assumes that I, astronomically powerful and infinitely humble as I am, would leap at the opportunity to sell my soul in return for a paltry sum of gold or artificial honor. That is truly crossing an important line.

Run far and wide, Kxzrywn. If I ever catch hold of you, I'm going to flay the skin off your bones and feed it to my felhunter Bruunhym.

Bruunhym likes to be patted and scratched behind his horns after eating the flayed skin of a dispicable wretch. He also likes to play Frisbee.