March 31, 2007

Eleven easy ideas on how to be as lovable as I am.

The most frequent question I get asked is, "Crys, would you please take the lid off this cauldron? It's getting pretty hard to breathe in here." But a close second would be "Crys, how can I be as lovable as you are?"

So here are a few easy things you can do to make yourself lovable. I hope you find them immensely helpful.

#1) Be a gnome. If you're already a gnome, good work! You're well on your way to being pretty dang lovable as-is. If you're not a gnome, you might be out of luck. Humans might be able to hack their legs off at the knees and pass themselves off as gnomes with freakishly long arms and bad posture, but everyone else is up a creek. The reasoning here is that small = cute, and cute = lovable. Pretty standard logic.

#2) Get a lovable pet. Warlocks have this one nailed, obviously, because who can't love a scantily-clad demoness or a miniature stegosaurus? Hunters are in decent shape too, I guess, for those who find warp stalkers or giant spiders lovable. Of course, hunters are up the aforementioned creek on the subject of lovableness, since if you're a hunter, you're not a gnome. Catch 22. If you're some other class your only option is to murder some Defias pirates until you find a parrot, then train it to say something cute, such as: "Did I do that?" or "Squawk! I'm all about the bling-bling."

#3) Learn magic. Warlocks? You guys are aces -- magic is your thing and good on ya for it. Mages are in the clear too. Everyone else? Crack a spellbook. You want to know magic because it's mysterious, colorful and flashy. With a good repertoire of magic under your belt, you can effortlessly enthrall the dimwitted and easily-amused. And, if all else fails, you can just light people on fire. Remember: every person you burn to a crisp evens out the ratio of people who find you lovable to the people who don't a little bit more, thus making you more lovable by definition.

#4) Be a girl. Guys are hairy and bulky and generally not very lovable in their natural state. Girls, however, are curvy and pouty and smell nice. Also, our voices are higher pitched, and most people find that pretty lovable. If you're a guy elf, you're actually not in bad shape -- just shave the nappy beard and add a little wiggle to your walk, and nobody else will know the difference. The rest of you cats have a rough decision to make. I know this blood elf in Shattrath who will do a back-alley operation for thirty gold, but that solution is less than ideal, since no matter how lovable you are in that state your days of actually loving are probably over.

#5) Perfect your "tee-hee." Anyone can do this in a matter of hours. Go nuts, giggle yourself stupid in the mirror until it's perfected. Once you've got it down, be sure you only bust it out when really necessary though. A quick, well-placed giggle will knock 'em over every time, but use it too often and people will just think you're empty-headed and annoying. And they'll be right.

#6) Puppy dog eyes. I know, I know. Cheap shot. But it works!

#7) Contract a disease. This will work for anyone, even those who can't fulfill any of the above. Get a bad disease and play on people's sympathies. Now, you have to be careful with this one. If the illness isn't severe enough (say, a sinus infection) people are going to think you're just an attention whore. And again, they'll be right. But if it's too severe (say, leprosy) people won't come within a furlong of your diseased carcass, and with good reason. Also, try not to get anything icky, because icky things aren't lovable. This one works pretty well if you decide to fake it, but make absolutely sure you're capable of pulling off such an elaborate lie. There's a special place in the Twisting Nether for folks who pull a stunt that low, and there's nothing lovable about it.

#8) Paint your nose red and get some big floppy shoes. I don't know how true this is, but they say everyone loves a clown. So if nothing else is working for you, you might as well give it a shot. Nothing to lose but your dignity, and let's be honest, you didn't have much to begin with, right?

#9) Quit complaining. Anyone who uses the word "nerf", in any context, ever, for any reason is automatically unlovable. Nobody wants to listen to you bellyache, so get over it.

#10) Alcoholism. As long as you aren't the kind of joker who yells and punches people and breaks stuff while under the influence, go ahead and get plastered. Everyone loves a big, silly drunkard. If you're a dwarf, this is pretty much the only option you have anyway, so go for it.

#11) Pay people. Everyone loves free stuff and, by extension, the giver of free stuff. If it's absolutely crucial that someone in particular loves you very much in a very short period of time, you could do way way worse than to drop some gold in their lap. Keep in mind, though, that this is a short-term solution at best, and obviously you can't pay everyone in the world. Only the most absolutely unlovable people around should have to resort to this nonsense.

I think that gives you guys a good start. I can't give away all my secrets, of course, since I wouldn't be nearly as lovable as I am without them. Hopefully, we can go ahead and make Azeroth a place filled with lovable people between the Veiled and Forbidding Seas.

Er, except trolls. Nobody, anywhere, loves trolls. Sorry guys.


Psyae said...

I fail miserably!!!

Well, maybe except for #10.


jiraiya said...

teeheehee..well crys, i like the #5 most! perfect the tee-hee. simply cute!

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Ratshag said...

By my count I got 6/11, which I figure ain't too bad. (That's countin' the disease one double.)

Nice bitta bloggin', Ms. Crystalis. Entertaining and informative.

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