April 17, 2006

"Adventuring" in Vana'diel.

As a warlock I have the ability to open a gap in the void of madness that separates our world of Azeroth from the worlds of others. This practice would render most mortal beings incurably insane, their minds unable to comprehend the intricacies of alien worlds and their inhabitants, especially those which are (at first glance) so similar to our own. But I eat demons for breakfast and am made of hardier stock than most, plus I'm cursed with a natural gnomish curiosity, and so I take a peek into the goings-on of other realms from time to time.

Vana'diel is a world much like our own, with its silly factions and its humdrum wars. It's got humans and elves and goblins, although in different shapes and sizes than what we're used to.

And it's got adventurers. A veritable plague of adventurers.

If one were to sit down and classify all the different adventuring types in Azeroth into neat little piles, one would arrive at a count of nine, of which the humble ranks of warlocks are but one. Even nine is too many, some say, considering hunters are just warlocks with soft hearts (and softer heads), paladins are just priests in tin cans and druids are just indecisive hippies (mana, energy or rage, people, pick one and stick with it!). So I was shocked and abhored when I learned that the pitiful denizens of Vana'diel must cope with fifteen classes of adventurer, with the further complication of each individual being dual-classed.

I mean, being a warlock is a full-time job. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to do a little rogue action on the side, I'm just wondering who has the time.

Anyway, our nine classes in Azeroth get to bickering now and again about who has it sweet and who has it rough. After studying Vana'diel for a time, though, I'm here to tell you that none of us have it so bad. Even the lamest hunter or the biggest crybaby paladin can find work in Azeroth; even the weakest warrior or pansiest druid can make himself useful.

I offer as a public service this list of the fifteen Vana'diel classes, and why they are each of them inferior to our own.

01: Warrior - They wear furry underwear and hit things with swords. Warrior is the class of choice for adventurers who lack imagination and ambition. "Hmm, I want a career in killing monsters but I don't want to put any thought into it. Guess I'll just buy a hammer or a spear or whatever and get movin'!" I mean, it's the same way in Azeroth, but at least our warriors ramp up the killing as they get madder and madder.

02: Black Mage - Aww... they color-code their mages. Isn't that handy? In Azeroth these guys would just be regular mages. Except they can't make bread and water. Since a free meal is about the only thing a mage can do that a warlock can't, I think I'll pass on the "black" sort. (Does that make me a racist?)

03: White Mage - We just call them "priests". They heal you. And then they heal you. And then they heal you again. Man, I'm so sick of priests. Anyway, unlike a real priest a white mage can't even hold her own in a fight, so unless she's got a strong friend or five handy, she might as well just jump off a roof somewhere and be done with it.

04: Red Mage - They wear funny hats and can use all sorts of different kinds of magic. In addition they also can use weaponry stronger than "butter knife". Imagine if you could be a mage and a priest at the same time, and carry something better than a boxcutter to boot? Oh, right, you'd be called a shaman. My bad.

05: Thief - We call them "rogues"; hey, at least they're honest about it. Now I honestly can't complain about rogues, what with all the backstabbery and all, but I don't think I'd want to run around being called a thief. It's an image thing... "warlock" after all is just a euphamism for "murderous demon-summoner". I think these guys are in sore need of a good PR team.

06: Monk - So let me get this straight. You cats run into battle, next to naked, armed with nothing but your fists and a passion for violence? There's a reason there are no "monks" in Azeroth -- they get murdered by murlocs before they have a chance to leave Elwynn Forest.

07: Bard - How many times have you been standing at the maw of some dungeon or another, or sitting on the brink of a battleground, putting together a strategy with your teammates, and thought, "Man, I really wish I had someone who would follow me around singing ballads and plucking a harp!" Hmm? Never? No, me neither.

08: Paladin - Just like in Azeroth, they can't decide whether they want to heal or fight. Pick a sword or a spellbook guys, leave the other at home. I didn't think it was possible, but the Vana'diel variety are even bigger crybabies than what we're used to.

09: Dark Knight - Supposedly the opposite of the paladin. Problem is, they're all emo crybabies too, so who can tell the difference?

10: Samurai - Warriors with funny-looking swords and funnier-looking hats.

11: Ninja - Thieves that don't suck. We call these guys "rogues" too, but we usually curse their names or spit soon after doing so.

12: Beastmaster - Vana'diel actually managed to take the already useless "hunter" class and split it in half. This is the half that gets followed around by critters. I guess if standing perfectly still watching your fiddler crab or whatever get mauled by monsters is your thing, you just can't go wrong with this class.

13: Ranger - The other half of beastmaster, which means they can track things and shoot cute little arrows. Let me tell you something, if handling a bow is your best attribute as an "adventurer"... dude, you need to get a clue. A warrior with a huge axe at least looks menacing. At least there are no night elves in Vana'diel.

14: Dragoon - With their adorable dragon mascots and their fantastic jumping abilities, they're qualified to play on their respective faction's basketball team but not much else. Pass.

15: Summoner - The absolute closest thing that poor world has to a warlock. Depressing. Fun fact, summoners: in Azeroth we take mana from our demons, not the other way around. Oh wait, you call them "elementals". How cute.

As you can see, our only course of action is to get the Horde and Alliance to call off their silly war, and raid Vana'diel in full force. I guarantee that if this is the best they can offer, nobody will put up a fight. Who's with me?


Tal said...


Mellan said...

I wrote a song for you:

Seike said...

geez calm the bap its only a game ^^ i played ff XI and now i play WoW i do have to admit WoW is better but Dragoon class is SEX!