July 29, 2006

My new digs.

Recently I invested in some land out in Silverpine Forest. I went out to survey the property and all in all I was pretty pleased. Check it out!

Here's the mountain path leading up to my new abode. As you can see, I'm canny enough to realize that going into uncharted territory alone isn't a smart idea. So I brought Roger, my trusty dark whelpling pal, for moral support. Cattnys's job is to eat and/or seduce any creatures we may come across... not necessarily in that order. If you look off to my left you can see a small village at the base of my new mountain. This is Crystalisville, the denizens of which will serve me as vassals. One can never have too many witless nobodies to do one's bidding.

A gated courtyard. How classy! A little drab, perhaps, but I can hire a team of migrant worker dwarves to spit-shine it up for me. Note also that I have my very own team of security dogs. Once a year I'll let them all loose in Crystalisville just so there is no question as to who is boss.

There is, of course, always the question of what to do with the current tenants. I suppose I could allow him to live in the dank squalor of my castle and charge him some outrageous rent...

...but that would make me a slumlord, which is an insufferable blemish on my spotless image. I want to be feared, after all, not despised.

I met up with my realtor, who brandished a set of keys and agreed to show me around. Unfortunately, as soon as he opened the door he was ravaged and/or eaten by wolves. Not necessarily in that order.

There's also always the problem of what to do with the junk the old tenants leave behind. I guess they had to move in a hurry. There wasn't anything useful in this box, but the barrels were full of foul-smelling liquor, which will be useful when it comes time to pay my migrant worker dwarves.

I figure I can sit Jubjub on one of these horses and enter him in the Khaz Modan Derby. A jockey that small and a horse that evil are a lock to bring home first prize, no doubt about it. None of these beasts measure up to my own awesome felsteed, of course, but I would never deign to enter such a magnificent mare in so base a competition.

My new kitchen, fully stocked and fully staffed. I even have my very own butcher. I wonder how much those Defias cats are paying Cookie. I know it would probably be frowned upon by Big Brother Alliance to have a murloc chef in my employ, but by the time any government officials get out my way to complain about it they will have long been eaten by my pack of rabid security dogs.

I don't know who this joker is. I bet he's my butler or something.

This looks like it might have been used as a chapel. I plan to convert it into my master bedroom. First I'm going to have to write to my neighbors over in Tirisfal Glades to see if I can get an exorcist on the cheap, though... it'd be tough trying to grab some sleep with all that wailing and haunting.

The view from the balcony outside my bedroom is just breathtaking. I bet you could drop an orc off the side and the sound of his screaming would fade out long before he hit the bottom. This is important because, like I said, I'll be trying to sleep just on the other side of that wall, and that'd be pretty hard to do when all I can hear is the pitiful moans of a half-dead orc splattered against the rocks below my balcony.

You know, I envy the undead who get to fly all over Azeroth on the backs of oversized bats. Giant bats are about ten times cooler than hippogryphs, which makes them roughly one hundred times cooler than gryphons. Once I've tamed this bad boy I'll be soaring across the skies in style.

Ugh. These clowns weren't nearly this tormented before they picked a fight with me. I imagine they should have probably checked themselves, before they went and wrecked themselves.

This hayloft would make a great place to put any dwarven guests I might have -- they're certainly used to such rancid living conditions, what with living in Ironforge and all. And if you're asking what lodgings I have in store for my night elf guests, please refer to the balcony photograph a few paragraphs up.

The granddaddy of all rabid security dogs! I'll sleep soundly with this gentleman stationed at my courtyard gates, that's for sure.

I don't know what I'll do with all these voidwalkers. Maybe I'll trap them all in a huge glass pipe and charge druids and other assorted hippies two gold per hour to smoke them. Or maybe I'll make Kal'rath captain of the first ever demonic football team. Wait, no, that wouldn't work. Football is a full-contact sport and voidwalkers are utter cowards. A giant blueberry-themed hooka bar it is!

Uh oh... looks like the previous owner hasn't cleared out yet...

...I'll help him pack his things and be on his way. I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful or anything, now would I?

So yeah, the place is definately a fixer-upper, a little drafty, and overrun with untamed wolves and rats. But I think with a few new tapestries, a little bit of elbow grease, and a direct conduit to the Infinite Plane of a Wailing Damned it might actually be quite cozy. On the other hand, it isn't exactly centrally located... it might end up just being my summer home. Not as pretty as Darnassus, I'll grant you, but I'll take feral dogs and murmuring ghosts over those pompous night elves any day of the year.

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