March 7, 2006

Application for Ritual of Summoning.

Submitted for your approval: a contract to be filled out before I will agree to cast Ritual of Summoning for you. Hopefully you'll find it so obtuse and complicated that you people will stop bothering me for summons.

Application for Ritual of Summoning

For purposes of this document I, Crystalis the warlock, shall be referred to as the "summoner" and you, the lazy slob who is afraid of gryphons, shall be referred to as the "summonee".

I. Obligations of the Summoner

It is to be understood that the summoner has no obligation whatsoever to cast Ritual of Summoning for the summonee's benefit, and may decline the request for any reason or no reason at all, as she deems necessary. A heightened sense of obligation may be enacted for special persons such as guild subordinates, personal friends or newly acquired party members who are a long distance from the team, however this is in no way guaranteed. The summoner reserves the right to ignore the request of the summonee, mock it, or accept it as she deems fit.

II. Requirements of Ritual of Summoning

Included for the benefit of the summonee are the following requirements, in ascending order of expense, all of which must be met before the spell can be successful. If the summoner is unable or unwilling to meet any of these requirements for any reason the spell cannot be cast.

A. Mana Expenditure

The spell requires three hundred (300) mana to be paid from the summoner's personal mana pool, a cost which may or may not be negligable given various circumstances including how much mana the summoner has left, how much health she has left (for purposes of Life Tap), how much mana her demon has left (for purposes of Dark Pact), and whether or not more important spells (such as Demon Armor) need to be cast. If the summoner must partake of consumable items such as Greater Mana Potions or Morning Glory Dew in order to meet the mana requirement of the spell, the material cost of such items becomes the responsibility of the summonee, and will be added to the total cost of the summoning.

B. Casting Time

The spell requires five (5) seconds of uninterrupted concentration, a condition that may or may not be possible at any given moment, subjected to variables such as (but not limited to) the summoner's current location, whether or not she is traveling and whether or not she is in combat.

C. Soul Shard Expenditure

The spell requires the use of one (1) Soul Shard from the summoner's personal supply. This item is absolutely non-refundable and it may or may not be practical at any given time to consume one for this purpose, subject to variables such as the summoner's current supply, her proximity to creatures which may or may not yeild Soul Shards when killed, the difficulty of slaying said creatures, and whether or not more pressing uses for her Soul Shards are at hand (including but not limited to summoning demons, Healthstones and Soulstones).

D. Party Assistance

The spell requires two (2) additional assistants, who must be in the summoner's current party and must be in her immediate proximity to aid in channeling the spell. If the summoner is alone or with only one other person she may or may not be willing to locate the required number of people to successfully complete the spell.

III. Obligations of the Summonee

The summonee is subject to the following non-negotiable obligations, which may or may not be waived by the summoner and only by the summoner, at her whim.

A. Prerequisite Travel

As the summoner cannot use Ritual of Summoning in all locations and for all purposes, it is the responsibility of the summonee to travel to a location from which he can be successfully summoned. For example, if the summoner is currently inside an instance, it is the responsibility of the summonee to travel inside the instance in order to be summoned.

B. Acceptance of Party Invitation

The summonee agrees to temporarily become a member of the summoners party, even if this means the summonee must first disband his own group. This is not to be seen as an invitation on behalf of the summoner or her party for the summonee to remain with said party, or an offer of any kind to help the summonee to accomplish his tasks in the area to which he is summoned. The summoner's party leader (or the summoner herself, if she happens to be party leader) reserves the right to eject the summonee from the party for any reason or no reason at all. If this happens before payment is received, it is the responsiblity of the summonee to remit payment immediately.

C. Payment

At the point during casting where the summoner's Soul Shard is consumed by the spell, it becomes the responsibility of the summonee to remit upon arrival three (3) pieces of gold to the summoner as payment for her services. The summoner will negotiate with her assistants beforehand to determine what payment, if any, they will require for their part in the spell. If the spell is unsuccessful for any reason, but the summonee still wishes to be summoned, subsequent attempts may be made at the cost of one (1) piece of gold per attempt.

D. Acceptance of Summoning

Upon successful completion of the spell, the summonee will be prompted one final time to accept the spell and be summoned to the summoner's location. Please note that by this time the summoner has already cast the spell and consumed one (1) Soul Shard, so if the summonee chooses at this point not to accept the one-way summon, payment as agreed above must still be remitted immediately. In these cases it is the summonee's responsibility to find a mailbox as swiftly as possible and send the payment required to the summoner, along with a written apology for wasting the summoner's valuable time.

IV. Associated Dangers

The summonee should be warned that there exist certain dangers in being summoned. Any and all items, articles of clothing, body parts, or any other objects lost due to the nature of the summoning are considered lost and are not the fault of the summoner. Such articles that are located at a later date become the sole property of the summoner.

In exceptional circumstances the summoner may choose to play practical jokes on the unsuspecting summonee, as she deems necessary. This includes but is not limited to enacting the spell while surrounded by creatures of much higher level than the summonee, targeting the summoning in such a way that the summonee plunges off of a cliff, or placing the summonee in full view of hostile Horde. If the joke is sufficiently entertaining for the summoner she may or may not choose to waive payment above, subject to whether or not she believes the summonee has suffered sufficiently.

V. Closing

I, the summonee, agree to the above terms and conditions, and that those terms and conditions are subject to change on short notice or without any notice at all. I hereby waive any responsibility on part of the summoner should the spell cause me any harm, physical or mental, in any way. I understand that should I choose to bilk on the payment after receiving my summoning that the summoner has every right to have me hunted down and brutally assaulted by crowbar-weilding dwarves and/or tauren.

(sign here)

There. I think that ought to do it. I'm going to make copies of this application and start handing them out to every warlock I come across. Maybe if we unionize we'll be able to cross Desolace or Tanaris in peace without being flagged down by some warrior who is too lazy to catch a boat.

1 comment:

Psyae said...

Woo hoo! You made the transition! Welcome!

(you might want to turn on the word recognition thingy so you don't get spam comments... it's in settings)