December 7, 2006

Let's talk about felguards.

Up until now warlocks have relied on eight different types of summoned minions to aid them in combat, crush insubordinates, do their bidding etc. Now, now, I know what you're thinking: "But Lady Crys! I can only think of seven kinds of summoned minions, and one of them is just a horse!" To that nonsensical blather, I respond with these two points:

  1. You aren't a warlock, so who cares what you think.
  2. We warlocks don't share all our secrets, and we laugh at you behind your back.
That said, we're on the cusp of a new demonic slave to handle such menial day-to-day tasks as cooking, hauling garbage, crushing opponents, and laundry. Behold, the felguard:

Now, he's certainly big and mean looking, and I can absolutely respect the fact that he's weilding an axe that I could lay on its side and comfortably use as a bed. But I do have some issues with the ol' gent, and I think a lot of warlocks are going about this the wrong way.

See, you see a warlock coming down the road with a voidwalker out, and you think, "Hey look! It's a large and pretty silly looking monster." Or, if they have a succubus, you think, "Woo hoo! Break me off a piece of that!" Unless you happen to be female, in which case you think "Pfft, no way are those real."

(By the way, ladies: they're not. The unholy triumvirate of the damned: fire, brimstone, silicone.)

Point is, it's not the demon you fear. It's the warlock. And this is how it should be. Warlocks instill fear in the unwashed masses. This is the proud tradition of generations upon generations of warlocks.

Now, you see that same warlock coming down the road with a felguard and you think, "Oh sweet mercy! A giant monster with an axe the size of Goldshire! Flee!" The effect is the same: you run away because you don't want to be annihilated by a power so obviously stronger than your own. But the fear you feel is on account of the servant and not the master.

I've spoken with several fellow warlocks on this issue, and there is no consensus. The lesser warlocks think that bigger and badder is, of course, better. These are warlocks who do not deserve what little power they weild. Warlocks of my own calibur or higher (and the latter are few and far between, I assure you) agree that it is a problem that it will be our demons commanding respect and terror, not us.

This isn't to say that I will be boycotting the felguard on some sissy principle. Heavens no. Again, did you see the size of that axe!? I can recognize power for what it is, and I crave it as much as warlock worth her salt. However, I will be dressing my felguard up in a tutu with big pink bow in order to lessen the initial shock of its overpowering menace. That way, it will still be me who is feared, and not my slave.

That is the way it should be.


Whiffle said...


Glad we're on the same side :P

Anonymous said...

False I dont fear warlocks its the Felguard Iam afraid of X.x